


First Pitch

by Adaney



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other, POV Original Non-Binary Character, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 07:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20991311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adaney/pseuds/Adaney
Summary: Maybe you're just deficient emotionally, as a troll, or both, to be missing that desire for a fucked up rivalry when all you can do is learn about someone and come away from it liking them more or less, not hating them in the way that you should.





	First Pitch

**Author's Note:**

> Created: May 15, 2018
> 
> Written for a friend.

My feelings are not meant or made to be easily digested. At least that's how I look at them. I'm capable of anger, and love, and sadness, and the disgusting in between mixtures that make me feel things I don't have names for.

Vitrel makes me feel things I don't have names for. I know my feelings are the roiling combinations of hatred and double-sided desire that usually goes with the pitch quadrant, but it's not normal to… I don't know. I wish she were more genuine. When I heard her laugh for the first time my heart hurt more than it did when I pushed her away.

* * *

_ I recognize that my behavior is probably consistent with pitch courtship if those ratty convenience store magazines are to be believed, but I'm hesitant to take any kind of advice from columns with awkward names and sensationalist writing as if there's some secret to quadrant success that can only be found by purchasing a 2 caegar magazine. Maybe there is some secret because I find myself constantly pushing Vitrel away and I know she suffers for it. _

Being on the end of unrequited feelings is torturous, at least as far as you can tell, and that must go doubly so for Vitrel, because you like her. You like the way you can argue with her without worrying about anything other than embarrassing yourself, but you don't hate her often. You don't want to one-up her so much as you want to see her have to think of what she'll say next. You want to see who she is behind her facade and that desire is the single compelling reason that makes her too difficult to hate.

_ _

You know she hates  _ you _ on some level, but you don't know how serious it is, or how normal it is to be pursued in a way that's almost entirely unspoken expectation. All you know is how disappointed she looks when you tell her you don't know how you feel.

_ _

What's worse is how all of your relationships start out similarly. Lilofa broke you out of your shell when you met her with her bubbly personality and her charisma. She quickly became someone you knew, and you don't hate people you know. You ended up loving her for who she was and the fact that she once got on your nerves mattered very, very little in the early stages of your relationship. You know how one that ended.

_ _

It was the same with Eulogy, but you became friends from it. You've never had an interaction with someone that left you balancing their negative and positive qualities in any way resembling pitch. It has always been  _ do I or do I not like them _ , but platonically, and without the pretense that seems to be expected when it comes to those emotions. Maybe you're just deficient emotionally, as a troll, or both, to be missing that desire for a fucked up rivalry when all you can do is learn about someone and come away from it liking them more or less, not  _ hating _ them in the way that you should.

_ _

You think about these things every time Vitrel is in your sight and you still don't have an answer to her question or her mounting frustration. You want to kiss her as much as you want to punch her but not for the reasons that you _ should _ , and that's what's frustrating to you. All you can do is make yourself a constipated looking statue when she tries to rile you, when she gets too close to succeeding, and when you shut down.

_ _

You haven't cried in a very long time but you think the situation justifies at least some release.


End file.
